Let’s talk today about one of the happiest life events: weddings!
While it is always a joy for me to get invited, I was a bit nervous the first time… what to wear? how about the gift?… were among the many questions that popped into my mind. In this article, I will cover how to prepare for a wedding. Later on I will write another article on how the ceremonies themselves are held and what to expect of them.
Answering the invitation
The invitation will be the most important part to understand what’s coming up. Indeed, while traditional Japanese weddings usually consist of a ceremony (western style or shinto), it is also possible for the couple to invite friends or coworkers to a less formal party. Everything will be written out so no need for guessing games!
The actual invitation stating the location and time may be split over multiple papers if you are invited to the ceremony and the dinner. You should also receive a reply postcard alongside the invitation.
Usually, the address will already be written, but you may have to change the last kanji after the name from 行 to 様 (sama).
On the other side, there will be two options: 御出席 (goshusseki, will attend – can also be written out as ご出席) or 御欠席 (gokesseki, will not attend – can also be written as ご欠席). Pick the first option if you can attend, circle the last two characters (出席) and cross out the 御/ご (those are honorifics). If you cannot attend, same principle: circle the last two characters (欠席) and cross out the 御/ご. You can use the additional space to write a message of congratulations (regardless of being able to attend). Just like for any RSVP, while the date may be further away, don’t sit on it! The happy couple is waiting on your answer to plan everything for their big day.
It is important to note: In Japan, it is normal to *not* invite someone’s partner – so don’t assume you have a +1 unless it’s stated clearly on the invitation.
What to wear (or mostly… what to not wear!)
For men: Usually men will wear a suit to weddings with a tie or a bowtie. Just avoid the black tie! It is reserved for funerals.
For women: It is common to have a dress that goes below the knees and avoid a low neckline. Just like any wedding, try to avoid wearing a white dress, but also anything flashy that would outshine the bride. It is also possible to rent a kimono, which is the option I picked once. In that case, avoid a place that caters only to tourists as they may not carry the type of kimono quality usually used for weddings. But once at the rental place, you should be in good hands as they will be able to recommend you the best options and even do your hair.
For all: avoid purple! This color is only for the imperial family.
What to bring – Wedding gifts
In Japanese weddings, there are usually no gifts but people give money as a gift (御祝儀, goshuugi), and it can get quite expensive! For a friend, it is normal to consider giving ¥30,000 per person, while closer relatives, coworkers, or bosses may give ¥50,000 or more!
There is one simple rule that shouldn’t be overlooked: keep the number of bank notes uneven, as an even number may be considered “easy to split” and predict the divorce of the couple.
There are specific envelopes to put the bank notes in (祝儀袋, shuugibukuro) that you will be able to find in any convenience store, but if you want to find nicer ones, I recommend checking Hands or Loft as they will usually have dozens of options to pick from and shops pretty much everywhere.
They are quite easy to recognize, as most of the time they will display 寿 (kotobuki, longevity) – or sometimes even “Happy Wedding.” Be careful not to mix them up with funeral envelopes, which usually come in black or grey tones.
This envelope actually will contain a smaller one, and this is the one you should put your bank notes in. They need to be crisp! Most people will even go to the bank to ask for new notes so they are 100% perfect. On the smaller envelope, write the cash amount on the front, and your full name and address on the back.
Once the small envelope is ready, put it back in the bigger one. There may also be a few options of paper strips to insert into the knot. Pick one and add your full name to the bottom.
You may even receive a small explanation paper with the envelope as these rules are hard to remember!
All the writing should be done in black ink. If you want to go extra, you can use a “brush pen” (筆ペン, fudepen) like this one. They can usually be found close to the cards in the store.
Note: You may receive a notice from the couple telling you not to give any money, especially if you are travelling from far away. For a wedding party, it’s also possible you’ll be asked to cover the cost of the dinner, and no additional gift will be necessary.
What to say
While there will be another article on the ceremony and what to expect on the day, there is one thing to say at the wedding: ご結婚おめでとうございます! (gokekkon omedetou gozaimasu, congratulations on your wedding!)
And that’s it for this article! While preparing for a wedding in Japan may feel a bit overwhelming, just stick to the main points above and you’ll be fine. Enjoy the day, have fun, and remember that any rule mentioned by the couple can void any of the “regular” rules.
Which one of these rules was the most surprising to you? Tell us what you think in the comments!
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